i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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