My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
