R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
