remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
