You're completely useless in the revolution.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize