you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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