Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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