she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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