You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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