FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
