Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
