Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
