I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
