she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
