At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
