i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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