somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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