she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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