I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
