A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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