just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
