I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
