i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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