I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
