Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize