i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
