no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
