Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
