was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
