I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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