I hate all girls vehemently.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Randomize
