Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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