The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
