I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize