At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize