Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
