in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
