we're chasing vodka with high fives
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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