So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
