Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
