Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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