i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
