I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize