i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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