one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We smell like vodka and hangover
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