I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
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