Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
