I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
