I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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