at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
