hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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