i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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