Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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