Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
