oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
