I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
