It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize