You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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