I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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