sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
