Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
