The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
