They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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