You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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