I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
