My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
